1. After you've killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. If you find that your house is built
upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants
who were mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed
necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
3. Never read a book of demon summoning
aloud, even as a joke.
4. Do not search the basement, especially
when the power has just gone out.
5. If your children speak to you in Latin
or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak using a voice other
than their own, shoot them immediately.
6. Should you have the benefit of numbers,
never pair off or go out alone.
7. If the gang plans a fun midnight party
in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if
everyone's planning on having a "good time" and they're all youth counselors...
and especially especially don't tag along if they're all going as couples, except you're
the odd guy/gal out.
8. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles
that open portals to Hell.
9. Never stand in, on, above, below,
beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
10. If you're searching for something which
caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately.
11. If appliances start operating by
themselves, move out.
12. Do not take (or borrow) anything from
the dead.
13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA
technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
14. If you're running from the monster,
plan on stumbling needlessly at least two times... more if you are female.
15. If your companions suddenly begin to
exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes
and/or slime... immediately excuse yourself from the conversation and drive away.
18. Beware of strangers bearing tools such
as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed whackers or any device made from their
own severed limbs.
19. Listen closely to the soundtrack.
20. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate
with icy things because "there's so much we can learn from them".
21. Don't make fun of or play with dead
things.
22. If you find a town which looks
deserted, it's probably for a reason. If you see a town that looks deserted except for
children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.
23. If a meteor strikes nearby, move out.
24. If you walk into the local abandoned
looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside
down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
25. Never have sex in the bunk beds of
recently renovated summer camps.
26. Strange lights are seldom harbingers of
joy.
27. On no account do ANYTHING because
someone dares you to.
28. If any animals, such as Birds,
Piranhas, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards
mankind than normal, expect to soon find many more. Plan on this. Leave.
29. Whenever you land on a distant planet
and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
30. Do not allow crew mates back aboard the
craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.
31. Be forewarned that a gun is only good
for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra
weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor
confetti, pop tarts...)
32. Don't open the closed door, especially
if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT
was dead.
33. DO NOT go into the dark room.
34. While in a horror film, never bathe,
especially when in the house alone.
35. If you are a female, never show your
breasts. Easy women die fast.
36. Never camp or build homes on Indian
burial grounds.
37. Ask why the estate is being sold so
cheap.
38. If the phone lines are dead, and you
hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not
answer, run away.
39. If the Master does not approve, neither
do you.
40. Never handle the rat monkey cage.
41. Your dog can take care of itself.
42. Skeptics are often the first to fall
prey to the demon incarnation of the Anti-Christ. Always believe what the aged priest
says.
43. If you find yourself often standing in
shadows and saying very little, or especially if you were ever or are currently a
"bully", you are probably not a main character. Commit suicide at once.
44. Whenever possible, no matter how
unnecessary it may seem, always empty all the bullets you have into the monsters head.
45. People driven by vengeance always die.
46. Mentioning any goals in life, anything
you have to look forward to, or any loved ones will invariably get you killed.
47. Feel no guilt.
48. If you have to run away, taking a bus
is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always
demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take, and to get to
the subway you have to go through dark underground stations.
49. If you are a child, don't panic!
Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only
possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
50. If you're being chased by a monster and
you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to
explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow.
If not, that's their tough luck.
51. If you are a good dog you have a 50-50
chance of survival. Remember, good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in
defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
52. If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you
WILL be dead by the movie's end. For fun, kill all people you encounter, except for your
ex-master, whom you will feel strangely compelled to avoid.
53. If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your
people will triumph and rule the world!
