1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the
fountain.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson
if they make
your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio
Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and
helpfully volunteer to
consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY
SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether
inflated CD prices
are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them
unsellable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9. ... but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people
that they're
"astronaut food."
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading
aloud from
"Dianetics."
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled
black-and-white and
insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and
say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of
Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a
fashion
dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance
camera for an hour
while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other
shoppers whether
they, too, can see the "hidden picture."
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play
only in
Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well
a particular
saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on
gerbils, and
whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and
spray *them*
with your own bottle of Eau de Swine.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,
insisting that
you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties
matches the
color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice,
"I see London, I
see France..."
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of
shoes, and
wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play
"Jesus Built My Hotrod."
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and
perform
gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold
remedy will
"give you a really wicked buzz."
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have
"any giant crap
"made out of straw."
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the
fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as
religious
tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone
to push you
around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a
station showing
"Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream
if
anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture
department wearing
a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling, "scratch one
flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room
attendant and
scornfully announce that none of them are "leak-proof."
42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the
arcade. Make lots of
explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your
head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to
provoke arguments
over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your*
lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in
department stores
and say "Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while
occasionally pausing to
scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back
permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know
"whether
they've seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen
minutes later,
fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue
yet.
